I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Is Oprah even human
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
