I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
