Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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