dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
