You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The best revenge is premature balding
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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