3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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