I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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