I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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