i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
