proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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