My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
