Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
