hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
