Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this just has baby written all over it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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