Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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