its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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