just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
