Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
