she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
how does that bad decision feel?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
