This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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