remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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