bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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