i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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