your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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