dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
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he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
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I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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