So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
