I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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