You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
