stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
