Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
