It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
