how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
