i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
