ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
