So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
