cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My vagina is officially offended.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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