shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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