this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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