my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
