That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
