capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
