God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
do herpes really smell.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
