i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
