I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
All I want is dick and wine.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
