i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
