Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
