dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
