I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
