I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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