i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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