god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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