I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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