he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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