Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
