he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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