I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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