remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
