You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
