I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
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All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
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I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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