peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
