are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
