somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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